In the course of one month, I have broken up with my first boyfriend, lost my best friend and graduated high school. Change sucks. It sucks having an idea in your head of a certain future one day, then two months later finding out you are not the same person who had those ideas. It sucks when you realize other people had you in their ideas as well but then they changed their mind.
My best friend and I were very close. And I don’t mean Starbucks and shopping, I mean driving around neighborhoods talking about living in a cul-de-sac together with our kids. Right down to the elderly neighbors who would babysit so us couples could have a date night. It was a sweet time in our friendship.
At first, the changes were small. Musical taste and TV show preferences drifted, other friends appeared and I realized she was a pretty different person. She didn’t seem to care much about her old self or life. So I went on and pretended to we were as close as we used to be.
We both met guys we were interested in around the same time. I started dating my guy while she wasn’t even sure her guy was interested in her. It turns out he was. But not in her heart, or her personality. He was solely interested in putting another notch in his bedpost. And she became one very quickly. She lied to me about taking drugs, physicality with him and so many other things just because she was scared of me and she had changed. Ultimately, she ended the friendship – choosing him over me. And I just have to accept that.
At first, I was furious, then depressed. Then I was pensive.
She and I had some great times together. So many laughs, so many stories. And I remember her all the time.
I came to three tearful realizations.
1) I’m so thankful for the time we did have together.
She came to me at a time when I was searching for new friends, for new opportunities, and she filled that role perfectly when I needed her.
2) She was a blessing to me. (Plain & disguised.)
She was a blessing to me then, and now our friendship ending is another blessing – (maybe this is one a bit more disguised.) A toxic friend is heartbreaking to watch and even more heartbreaking to try to care for.
I am no longer carrying around that fifty pound backpack for her aching back.
3) When I lose one friend, I gain two more.
I’ve had old friends come back and new friends appear. And they’re probably going to change too – but it’s going to be okay.
Murmurs 